July 17: Waves of Sadness

It’s been a while since I’ve posted because I’ve been kinda out of it. First was the full moon and the Schumann resonances that kicked my ass, then the stress of lining up places to stay and stocking up for 11 days of camping at Skoolie UP, all while restocking the fridge with ice pretty much daily, and watching Pyewacket slowly approach the end of his life. 

He’s 15 1/2 and has always been a heavy cat. I was not ready to start feeling bones in late spring, to see his grooming get more scruffy this summer, and now, watching him pretty much only drink water and eat a few morsels now and again – if it’s treats, turkey or egg off my plate, or small amounts of his food mixed with pumpkin and served on a spoon. The knot in my stomach grows as I watch him get in and out of the litter box more slowly, sleeping more, and walking slower and sometimes a little unsteadily. I pet him when he lets me, and I send him reiki as often as I think of it. The hours turn into days turn into weeks, but I highly doubt we have the rest of the month left together. I don’t want to think about it, let alone write about it.

As you might guess, I use puzzles and scrolling to distract me at times, and the beach to heal me. Visiting parks and beaches, parking in fields and among trees, gazing at clouds, and watching as day becomes night and night becomes day are all part of my self-care. Yet I often find myself just sitting here watching his chest go up and down, dreading when it no longer does.

I am trying to figure out how I want to celebrate Lughnassadh while at the skoolie gathering. I had planned to see if there were any other pagans coming who might celebrate it, but I’m not up for that. I do feel held in the arms of the Mother Goddess, the bouquet of wildflowers along with the birds and the butterflies are doing their best to cheer me.